Are You Actually Attracted to Them, or Just Excited They Like You?

One of the questions I often encourage my clients to ask themselves is surprisingly simple: Do I actually like this person, or do I like the way I feel when they like me?

There is a difference, and it is one that many people miss when they are dating. Someone shows interest, communicates consistently, makes plans, gives you attention, and suddenly you feel very attracted to them. You feel excited. You think about them more. You start imagining where this could go. But sometimes, what you are experiencing is not attraction to the person. It is the feeling of being wanted.

Being desired can be incredibly validating. It makes us feel attractive, interesting, worthy, and chosen. If you have spent time dating people who were inconsistent or emotionally unavailable, meeting someone who is openly interested can feel especially powerful. For the first time, you are not wondering where you stand. You are not waiting for a message or trying to figure out whether they actually like you. Someone is simply showing up and choosing you.

And that can feel very good.

The Feeling of Being Wanted Can Be Confused With Attraction

This is where dating can become complicated. Real attraction usually comes with curiosity. You want to know the person. You are interested in their personality, their values, their way of thinking, their stories, and the life they are building. You are drawn to who they are.

Validation feels different. Your attention is focused on how their interest makes you feel about yourself.

You may become more interested when they text you, feel disappointed when they take longer to respond, or experience a rush when they compliment you. You may spend more time wondering whether they like you than actually thinking about whether you like them.

I see this often in people who have spent a long time chasing emotionally unavailable partners. When someone finally gives them the attention they have been craving, they can mistake that relief for chemistry.

That is why one of the most useful questions you can ask yourself while dating is not, "Does he like me?" but "Do I like him?"

You Are Not Being Interviewed for the Position

Dating is not supposed to be an audition where the other person decides whether you are good enough. You are also evaluating.

Yet so many people go into dates focused entirely on being attractive, interesting, easygoing, impressive, or desirable. They are thinking about how they are being perceived rather than paying attention to what they actually feel.

You are allowed to notice whether you enjoy someone's company. You are allowed to be curious about them. You are allowed to decide that someone who likes you is still not someone you want.

Being chosen is wonderful, but it does not automatically make someone right for you.

Attraction Does Not Always Arrive as Fireworks

There is also an important distinction here. Not feeling an instant rush does not necessarily mean there is no attraction. Some connections develop slowly. There can be a quiet curiosity that grows as you learn more about someone.

The important thing is to give yourself the opportunity to discover whether the attraction is connected to the actual person rather than simply to their attention.

Would you still be interested if you knew for certain that they liked you? Would you still want to see them if they stopped giving you validation? Would you enjoy spending time with them even if there was no possibility of being "chosen"? Those questions can tell you a lot.

The more consciously you date, the more you begin to understand the difference between wanting someone and wanting to be wanted by someone.

And that distinction can completely change your dating life.

If you want to understand your own dating patterns more deeply, you can book a private coaching call with me or apply to join our confidential matchmaking database.

The goal is not simply to be chosen. It is to choose someone who genuinely feels right for you. 🦢